Rule for Reunion
These are not rules cast in stone!
1. Adoptees may "back off", even if they did the search.
2. Bmothers may not "back off", especially if they searched.
3. Everybody needs "space", but not endless space.
4. For those "in space" <
5. SLOW is the signal especially at the outset.
6. Do not launch into long or angry letters before meeting.
7. Not everything is adoption/reunion related.
8. Expect that an adoptee will express anger, somehow, some way,
9. When reunion is new, talk to one another about the boundaries you
10. Join a support group for support. Sharing and learning with
11. Start your own grief work. Seek professional help if needed.
12. Help your current family and friends to understand that search
13. Search and reunion are as much about YOU as they about finding
14. Remember that real life is "messy", unlike fantasy, which you
15. Relatives happen! Relationships take time and work to put into
birthday and Christmas are acceptable: this can go on for YEARS, so
do not have "great expectations".
probably not overtly, possibly not even recognizing he or she is
angry.
need to established. (Again, the adoptee has leeway, but the bmother
must retain the "responsible adult" role).
others is most important.
and reunion will be your "life focus" for a while. Share that you may
need a supportive shoulder or open ears. "Advice" may not be heard!
someone. Expect to change in many ways. Do not expect or allow a
well-meaning family to expect that search will "fix" you.
can bend to suit you. If you aren't ready for "real" and ready to give
up fantasies; don't search. And certainly don't make contact!
proper perspective. (Remember this when experiencing Genetic Sexual
Attraction, too!)